Why am I able to say I am a strong person? I could make this short and very simple by saying that it has all been God. But, today I am not going to do just that because I feel like writing.
If I were to start in the beginning, I could blame the birth. My birth. Yep, I was supposed to be born dead or retarded......Yes, I have been the "butt" of that joke for my entire lifetime. I was born cracking a big ole 5 lb smile. I was breech. My dad was told that it did not look good so they watched me.( Now, this is what I have heard thru the years so it may or may not be completely correct.) My head was very oddly shaped and my fontanels (soft spots) were not formed correctly or something. I had a square head and I was not dead.Anyways, I also heard my sister had a little bit of sibbling rivalry going on and she was hitting me in the head with blocks. Hmm, that may explain the headaches as a child. Yeah, so I went thru a little as a new little person and that may have been the beginning, I don't know, I just like the story. lol.
So, I remember vaguely in October when my dad was standing at the door with a suitcase and said goodbye. I think it was around Halloween because I recall a life size skeleton on the front door. I was five.My sister was 7 and my brother was around 11yrs old. But, he got to go with dad. We stayed with mom.I only have a few memories of dad before that day and they were all great ones, so there aren't any complaints. I loved my dad so much but I think back then I loved my mom more.She eventually married Bob which was ok with us because we moved into a big two story house, went on vacations and really neat events at his job with IBM.It was a good move for mom. I loved her even more because she was home with us too. She became pregnant with my little brother eventually and had him and it kinda "rocked" my world a bit, but I still had my sister, Dawn.We were great friends I thought. I looked up to her so much. We got involved with a church at that time on Anderson Lane in Austin Texas. I loved that place so much!I got baptized a few times there for some reason. I learned there that I really liked to sing too. I remember my friends, Joel and Tami and myself would sing together at times. So, our lives went on with mom being married to Bob. I liked school, church and my Aunt Deann's alot. We went there alot. So is this where my strength came from? Maybe. I lived in a "pretend" land at this time. I had to so I would not be effected by what was really going on at home. School was my escape, church was my escape and Aunt Deann's was my safety. We went there for my mom to "recover". I remember waking at night to my mom and Bob arguing, wait it wasn't arguing, It was Bob yelling and cussing at my mom and the sound of a fist and a foot against my mom's body as she was saying "NO". My mom was beaten for 6 plus years by him. He beat my little brother and even my sister several times. He never really beat me for some reason. I still do not know why. I would have taken a hit so I did not have to see my mom being beaten, or my brother or my sister being shoved and kicked and punched. I only watched and sobbed and prayed.
We finally escaped this hell when I was around 11 or so.We all had our own load of scars whether it was physical or mental, we all had them, Mom, Dawn, Denny and myself. Is this where I became a strong person?
Mom met my 2nd stepdad when I was around 13. We were still in Texas and mom was doing pretty good as a single mom of 3.She seemed to bounce back very well from the abuse and divorce from Bob. She dated after this and she eventually met Dearrell. At first, I thought he looked like a hippy with his long hair. We met him at a Pizza place for the first time with his two daughters.He really grew on me and mom married him and we got a house together. It was nice but not like the house we had with Bob. My new stepdad was a person that didn't put up with much from us kids. If we did something wrong, we were punished. But, he loved us and he didn't ever scare us. He really loved my mom. I could tell he did because of the way he treated her. Then, I remember hearing mom screaming and she had been drinking. Those scars I talked about before were resurfacing and even ones from her horrendous childhood were reopened. It was bad, it was so hard to see her pain. But, Dearrell loved her so much and he loved her through the nights that were from hell. He still, to this day loves her. They have been married ever since. Was this what gave me strength?
Let's skip some details and get to when I was 17. Dawn had already moved out and we were living in Round Rock, TX. It was me, Denny, Dearrell, Mom and my dogs. It was the summer after my junior year in highschool. Alot had happened with my sister, my stepsisters, my brothers and so on and so on. I loved living in Round Rock. I loved my school and I finally became my own person apart from my sister. I had friends, though not many. I was doing ok in school and I wanted to go to college. I had my first "serious" boyfriend the summer before. It lasted a big 2mths.lol.But, I loved my life. Mom and I had some issues with her not wanting me to turn out like my sister. Which wasn't a bad thing, just not what she wanted for me.I got a job at Dairy Queen and really enjoyed that. Then, one day I was accused of something I did not do and I could not convince my mom of my innocense so... I left home. I eventually ended up at my Pastor's house and they took me in.I loved living there too! the next year I experienced graduation, wonderful friendships and my first true love that lasted a lot longer than 2 mths.My heart was broken, so broken by this one.lol I was 18, out on my own and had a freedom eventually that really got me into some trouble. Was this what made me strong?
Ok, let me skip ahead to the freedom part where I learned about alcohol and the many bad things that come with that. My first blackout was the first time I ever drank. I went and saw "TopGun" the next day with a horrible hangover. That was a mistake! Anyways, my drinking led me to Magnolia, Ark where I met my future husband and father of my kids.The kid came first though. After 7yrs of marriage, 3 kids and experiencing abuse, I became single again and guess what I did? I drank. Did this do it for me?
Thru the grace of God, I finally met Rick. My kids were 3, 5, and 7. I was a single mom and I liked to party. I made $3.35 an hour at Braums and worked alot, partied alot and my life became a blur. Then Rick came along. I fell quick and I fell hard! Yes, he is older than me, but so funny, interesting and made me feel safe. Long story short. I married him but only after alot of heart changes for myself and for him. We have been married now for 14yrs. We have a story here to but those of you who know us, know the story so I will leave it out for now. I finally want to talk about what makes me strong. You can see I have not had a "Beaver Cleaver" life. I haven't really had a bad life compared to some people. There is always, always someone who has had it worse. But, you see, I know what makes me strong. God. He was there from the moment of my conception to now at 3pm on 11/26/2011. He will continue to show Himself great in my life forever. But, I also believe that what makes us strong are the many "hell's" we go thru. They give us character. They are the lines by our eyes as we get older, the limp in our walk. Or they can be the laughs in the midst of turmoil.It really depends what you do with them. Some give up, they can't take it anymore.Some self-medicate as I did, as my mom did and others have done that I love. Some pretend even as I did. They throw themselves into work or church and convice people they are "ok" when they are falling apart because of these things going on. I chose to live a life for God many years ago. But, it hasn't been until recently that I have realized that I truly have not been living for Him. The hard times have become so much easier even though they truly are harder than anything I have walked thru.It is because of how I am looking at things now. He has changed my vision. He is what makes me strong. So, for today, with this all laid out for all to read and peer into a fourth of what I have walked thru, um wait, I was kinda dragged thru portions of these. I want all who read this to ask yourself "What makes me strong"? Ask yourself if you are just faking your way thru life, or are you truly being real with yourself and even with God. He loves us so much and He has given us every tool needed to go thru every situation we go thru. So, get real today and ask yourself some questions. I hope this was not a boring read but if it was it is ok. It was good for me to get this off my chest. Joy
