My kids

Hey! I can't help it! I love my kids! I baby them, I hug them, and kiss them. They are getting older, but I don't care. Two of them, the boys, or should I say the "men" are adults now. One, Andrew is out on his own. I miss him, but it hasn't been as hard this time as when he went to Tulsa Job Corps when he was 18.

With Mat in Ark. I am finding myself going to his room and (this is weird) and sniffing the air to see if I can still smell him. in his room. (they have this odor that you don't like when they are there, but when they are gone, you miss it.) I go and look at his pictures of the love of his life on his wall, (Caitlyn) and I think to myself, OMG, my baby is not a baby!!!

Don't get me started on Calli, I don't know what I am gonna do with her! She is Ms. Independent now. She buys her own clothes, makes her own decisions about her job (because she got the job, so she can quit it, is what she says.) She only comes to me if she wants something. Well, sometimes (my favorite) she will come into my room and just lay down on the bed for a minute without wanting anything. It is like she just wants to be close to her mommy for a minute. Of course she would never openly admit to this.

Then there is Marah, Oh my! I love her like she is my own, but this has been a tough couple of years. I start to get too close to her like she is my own and then I pull back a little and remember that she is my sisters kid. I only have her here temporarily until Dawn gets on her feet. We have had her for over two years now though and it is harder with every year because I want the best for her. I find myself thinking about her going to college and how can we prepare for that now. I wonder what it is gonna be like when she comes home and says that she wants to learn to drive or date or get a job. I just have to believe that God knew what He was doing when he allowed us to take her in.

Well, that is all for now.

People change!

I have recently realized as I have added old friends to my friends list on facebook that people really do change. We first look  for the outward change. We look at weight, skin blemishes, wrinkles, gray hair, no hair, those sort of things. But recently through conversing with people on facebook I have realized that there are some people that I used to "love" and  or enjoy their presence immencely. But now, I wouldn't give them the time of day because they have become so hardened and bitter in their "old age"  that now I really don't know why they were my friends back then.

Now, I do realize that I have changed a great deal also. I am sure that there are people that can't stand to be around me too. It just makes me think a  little about the way people see me now that they have become my "New facebook friend" after 20 plus years.

Today is the Beginning of the Working Season

Today, I start back at Belk just so my children can have a decent Christmas. It is crazy that I put myself thru the torture of handling 3 jobs at a  time like this just so they can say "I Got This" and "I Got That"! to all of their friends when they return from their Christmas break.

It is not that we can't do it without this extra money. We would have to cut here and there and hold off on some recently acquired medical bills. (mine). We can do it.

I kinda think that I like the challenge of juggling the way I do. I get so "bored" at this time of year. I have to be challenged or I start to kinda get weird.

So, in saying all of this....I am off to by first day back in Retail since about 1.5 years ago!!!!God please help me!

No Title

I have recently had a discovery about myself because of some things that have come to light thanks to other people that I have conversed with lately.

I started this blog because I need an outlet. I need a way to get my emotions out. Let's face it, I am a woman. We have emotions. Yes, men do to, but woman are more emotional. So, in saying that, I have realized that all of my writing has been written because of my mood, or emotions at that moment. I am going to try something new. I am going to try to write about different things. Different ways. More opinionated. At least I am going to try. I don't know if I am made up to be  like that, but I will try.

Here goes........


I think I need help....

Anyone have a topic?

Oldness Thoughts-2007

 One day when I finally wrinkle

My green eyes lose their twinkle

All my loved ones have passed away

My pretty hair has turned to grey

I will think of all the precious things

That made my life worthwhile:

Honeysuckle on a spring day

Rain upon my roof

My children laughing at my "Oldness"

Dancing before the Lord

Lessons learned from my Mom

Advice from my Dad

Hugs from all the precious children I have taught

A good cry, a long goodbye, a "I loved you first to my kids"

A good chick flick that makes me cry

The Tilt a Whirl

Driving down the road singing songs with family

My pillow

My dog

Many other things I could say,

But it would take all day

I think I will think of these things throughout my day today.

So I don't have to wait till I turn grey

Steps

Yesterday I sat in the office of the financial counselor at Community Care College in Tulsa, Ok. She asked me if I had ever applied for any student loans before and I said I can't remember if I had or not. Then she said "yes you have"  and she turned the screen to me. Back in 1991 before I became pregnant with Mathew I had gone to Bryan Institute and looked into the very same thing that I was sitting here doing today. I had forgotten about that. I decided not to go to that because I had just gotten married and I really truthfully didnt think I was smart enough to finish. So, I didnt go.

So, here I was, 18 years later and actually taking the step!! A lot happened in 18 years. Had two more kids. Spent 7 years in an abusive marriage, became bulimic and a "very"social drinker. Blah, Blah, Blah!!!

Now, almost 42 sitting in the chair in the office of this financial counselor, I felt like a kid. I was so excited to finally be able to have enough faith and confidence to do it! After filling out enrollment forms and saying goodbye to her I went to the car and cried. God has helped me overcome so many obstacles in my life. The ones I stated earlier and  so much more. He has given me the strength, courage and opportunity to be able to go for this. I am so grateful for this "Second Chance".

Swiftly

Swiftly, time passes

Days turn into years

Regrets begin to surface

Laughter turns to tears

Picking up the phone to call

Your focus gets diverted

By something unimportant

That voice, you know you heard it

How long has it been

Since you took a little time

To call someone you love

And tell them that you're fine

To tell them that you love them

And to apologize

Asking for their forgiveness

For your thoughtlessness or lies

Please take some time today

To ponder what I've said

You don't want to take regrets

With you,when you are dead

I know this is quite harsh

It might even bring you sorrow

But call that one today

Don't wait until tomorrow

JCreamer-2007

I

Do I? Don't I?


Can I? Can I not?

I do, I don't

I will, I won't

I want, I need

I know..............

I see..........what is wrong with me......

Too many I's in the middle of my life

They need to go, they are causing  strife

Too many voices that I hear

They are controlling

What I hold dear

I only wish that I could listen and do

Only the things that God wants me to do

He has to be the only "I" in my day

Because He is the only truth, life and way

I will, I can

For God is I AM

And so it begins....

I remember the day I was told when I was conceived. What a treasure box of knowledge!!It is something I really didnt need to know to survive. My mom told me that it was February 14th and it happened on the couch! OMG! Yeah it is great that such a lovey, dovey, ooey, gooey treasured holiday was honored and celebratedby my conception. I really didnt need to know this. Now I know why she named me Joy. LOL, just kidding! That was not the reason.

I was born on November 9th, 1967. Other than the greatest day for me it was a great day for "Rolling Stone" Magazine too. It had it's first publishing apparently.Awesome! Anyways, I was born and of all ways to be born I came out in an extraordinary fashion. I came out cracking a great big SMILE!! Yes, I was breach, not legs first , but, butt first! I had problems with the soft spots in my head too. The doctors came and told my dad before I was born that I would either be born dead or retarded. I am sure that it wasnt as harsh back then as I just said it and we all know how "dramatically" stories grow thru the years. But that is how it was passed down to me. My mom gave birth to me and didnt see me for several days. My dad did though.I wish I knew which parent held me first. Were they looking for signs of retardation? Or were they looking back to February 14th, My day of conception and wondering if maybe they had too much fun? LOL, just kidding.

Well, if you know me you know that God had a plan. I am not dead! I am not retarded! My parents named me Joy Kay. What a name! My mom always said that she got the name from a girl she went to school with. She couldnt stand the girl but she loved the name. Wow, what a way to begin life! To sum it up here is the lowdown...

I was conceived on the couch on February 14th, Born with the words hanging over my destiny that I would be born dead or retarded. Then I was lacking soft spots in my skull at birth and I was born butt first. Oh, and finally, I was given the name of someone that my mom hated in school.

I am so glad that life is truly what you make it.
Today, I am a hard-headed, Joyful, Rejoicer that makes people laugh. No complaints!

Soon to be 42

I will soon be 42
Im not sure what I will do
Will I be happy? Will I be blue?

My hair is changing from brown to grey
New wrinkles show up everyday
What else is there left to say?

Miralax is in my daily diet
I can't keep my gas quiet
Prune juice, Ugg, I will not try it!

Urinary system out of wack
Aching joints, stiff back
Energy, What is that?

I will soon be 42
I know what I will do!
I'll go out and buy me something new!

Two weeks before my birthday

Thoughts

In retrospect about my days here on this earth, I have found that though I am changing outwardly, inside many things are still the same. I still see things thru the eyes of someone who has extreme faith in  a person's ability to change. I have always been one to take a persons abuse for long periods of time. Their words and actions dig deep into a well of mercy and love that for some reason (God Knows) has been there since I was born. Yes, it hurts. It is sometimes so bad that I tell myself that I will never be put in that situation again for as long as I live. I used to take it out on myself thru many different things that only turned out to relieve the pain momentarily. It has been 6 plus years since I have done those things. Thru God healing me and saving me I don't have the struggle with it like I did before.

Some people would call me a doormat or an enabler or just stupid. But, I truly believe that God has given me this gift of mercy. I just need to grow more mature in it. I need to have more "tough love" so to speak. I need to learn to speak as Jesus did.

When my time on this earth is thru, I want people to celebrate my life. I want my family to remember me as a person that walked in mercy, love and strength. I can only do that if I continue to seek after God and His will for my life.